1. |
God In This Chili's
03:30
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Here I am making dinner at eleven pm again
Spend my nights wide awake and my mornings sleeping in
How do I find the right words, cowardice has run it's course
I said all my prayers but I can't help but feel remorse.
Maybe God would answer if I showed penance and kneel
But I know he's not out there it's in the silence I feel.
Now there's three men in the corner
All eyes are on me
"I feel God in this Chili's"
She's saying on tv.
Hiding bags under my eyes
and a stash of fitting clothes
I just want to feel pretty
I want to feel less alone.
My mother says she loves me
my father I don't know
we haven't spoken in months
I hope he's well and lets it go.
I'm painting my eyes
I'm running red over these lips
I haven't felt like myself
Until I shed this skin.
Like a snake in the garden...
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2. |
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Jesus Christ what's it like to die?
Can you tell me what happens in the afterlife
Why should we even try to be good?
Oh Lucifer what have you done to her?
Free will and knowledge all the innocence you've burned
Why should we even try to be good?
But it's a holy ghost
that's creeping in my house
and tell the whole wide world
that things aren't working out.
Take an eye for an eye
take me on some long drive
so I can finally feel
what it's like to be alive.
Tell me how to love
where to move and when
she's filling up my spirit
with a loss of innocence.
Say a prayer for Mother
don't waste your words on me
because Jesus Christ was a killer
don't need your empathy.
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3. |
Settling
02:42
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I'm just some backroad
another place you don't want to be
it's just your sad home
the tear soaked carpets underneath
shoes worn out last summer
you still wear to prove a point
that things don't last forever
an understanding of simple joy.
so you paint your eyelids
and your always keeping score
where did you want to go
when you said you wanted more
but it's never enough to make you forget
is it better than living with all that regret?
I'm just some skin and bone
it's hard to say anything
always feel alone
even in a crowded surrounding
it's all the whispers in the walls
the knives they stabbed in your back
how you think you should live
a life full of love and happiness
but it's not that easy
it's hard to find your own way
it's hard to write this down
it's hard to find the words to say.
but i'll be the harbor
on a long trip
maybe we'll forget
where we were heading
but there's always settling
and we're always settling.
but there's always settling
and we're always settling.
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4. |
Summers
02:58
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It's been a good week
I didn't even turn the cross upside down
The way that your smile changes
Keeping me calm in my summer denial
But I am in love
The feelings come and then the feelings go
But you could feel me
As I took my last breath before the winter snow
I still feel your sadness
Growing in every lie
Drown me in tainted blood
More useful as a sacrifice
I still hear your tears
As they fall to the concrete
The rain from four years
Spills out as we bleed.
I spent so much time thinking about the way things change
But after summer I'll be the same
Thinking of the windows
Wonder where your heart goes
Thinking of Heaven and Hell
Hope my Dad's doing well
I wonder if I only have one life
And how I've wasted it being alive.
Think about the suffering
And what it means to be a human being
Think about the life I've lost
Think about how much it cost
While I worry about the restless sleep
Worry about the pills in me
Think about closing my eyes
Think of what it's like to die.
It's been a long week
I turned the cross upside down
I think I'm lonely
Sitting here in my summer denial
But I was in love
The feelings came but they never let go
And you could you feel me
As I take my last breath before the winter snow.
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5. |
Processed Food
02:46
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Record player static in the corner of your dad's attic
while I tell myself this will be the last song I write
drunk and stupid we walk to the liquor store
where I wanted to say I loved you
but I just couldn't find the right words.
I couldn't find the right words
was never good at the right time
I couldn't find the right words.
Now I'm just some ghost
covered in concrete and plastic
in the walls you call your home.
Your frozen processed food
in the corner of your room
and your father's downstairs
watching television.
Riding bicycles down the street
did you think you maybe want to meet
so you could say something to me
I just needed to hear your voice
I just wanted a whisper
and now I'm just your ghost
covered in concrete and plastic
in the walls you call your home
in the walls you call your home.
I guess it doesn't help now to say I'm sorry
I guess it doesn't help now to say I'm sorry.
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6. |
Novel
02:50
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You call up your best friends to come over
because you can't drink alone, but you can't stay sober
In your parents backyard, the California summer
smiles and laughter... but still such a bummer.
Locked in a bedroom said a prayer then goodnight
The cigarette burns a reminder of the time
Rereading novels to prove that romance exists
in between the sweat soaked bedsheets from a hometown first kiss.
The streets line with trees, black suits and black ties
I'm watching you watching me, in between the bloodshot eyes
I called up all our old friends, to say farewell wave goodbye
A night that we always wanted, up in smoke what a good try.
Locked in a bedroom said a prayer then goodnight
The cigarette burns a reminder of the time
Rereading novels to prove that romance exists
in between the sweat soaked bedsheets from a hometown first kiss.
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7. |
Nail
02:08
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I'm looking at this photograph
wondering where we went
all the things we could've done
where we would've been
I held you at the funeral service
an open casket meant the end was sinking in
I felt the sadness in the crowd
the final nail in the proverbial coffin.
I tried to live a better life
I tried to be a better person for the holy ghost
I tried to hold your hand
but I still ended up here all alone
I pace around my place most nights
I look for signs in words but don't see a chance in hell
and you look so happy now
but I still wish you well
I still wish you well
I'm still wishing you...
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8. |
Rope Swing
04:28
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Memories of glow in the dark stars on your ceiling
did they keep away the nightmares like your mother said?
littering the guest room as they slowly plummet
to that old and unkept, decrepit carpet.
a boyhood bed and old packs of cigarettes
are all that this fucking rooms even got left
and since you've gone so has your spirit
since you've gone now so has your spirit.
Hearing voices of best friends out at the creek
and the tug on the branch from that old rope swing
the taste of the water as it hits your tongue
filled with gasoline and oil thats been there all along.
What was it you told me on the phone
that you wished I was there cause you felt so alone
but insensitivity and apathy were all I ever knew
and still what I know if it's what I wrote
if it's what I wrote.
Life is just moments of suffering
when the fuck will I find out what makes me happy
maybe then I can move on and find a feeling
till then I'll be here wishing I left.
Life is just moments of suffering
when the fuck will I find out what makes me happy
instead of killing time at some dead end job
I hate that this is what it's come to.
I've aged with the years my skin doesn't hold up so well
I've been on my own living and dying in this hell
watching old movies of the times I regret
just in hopes that the images I'll finally forget
finally forget all of this
all of this shit.
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9. |
Hallowed Ground
02:56
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sacrifice me in the basement
confess all my sins to Satan
apologies to all i've let down
drain my blood onto the hallowed ground
fetishize all those damned things
tell me of all your past hauntings
lie and say that there's a good place
where i might go if i can say i'm sorry
paint my lips your mothers blood red
dress me up in all your garbage
tie me down and make me scream and beg
to go outside and see the sun again
cause it takes 7 minutes to die
and in a flash is most of your life
the small moments in between
who you were never meant to be
all the things they said you could do
all the lies from those who loved you
all the things they'll say when you're gone
"you were a good person" but they're wrong
all the places that you called home
but none of them ever felt like one
always spending nights getting so drunk
just to feel like you belong
i miss her smile
i miss her laugh
i miss the feeling of happiness
and when i'm gone the feelings pass
it will be better for all
i promise.
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10. |
Bridal White
04:12
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I keep feeling like there's some mistake I've made, I can track it down to the source
but I keep ending up with the same date, the same time, as I was born.
If it never happened maybe things would change
if I was someone else who didn't give up easily
maybe then these clothes would fit and I could feel a sense of self
instead I'm locked inside a room and hate the thoughts that seem to help.
If I pray for better days I guess I got what I deserve
all the things I've ever done only seem to end in hurt
welcome home, a parade of sorts, will they gather for my return
inside a coffin, bridal white, pale at peace before I'm burned.
Forget who I've become, remember whoever you wish
just can't seem to care these days, I was such a happy kid.
I'm leaving last letters in songs
I'm sorry it just took so long
I'm falling deep into the pit
the darkness became where I live
Inside a house, inside a city
I hope that there is some part of me
that did some good
that wasn't a lie
I'm sorry I failed
but know I tried
to make it right
to live this life.
So don't act so surprised
it was all right before you eyes
all the secrets that I tried
but in death will have failed to hide.
Read the letter inside my notebook
the one with the quote from Camus
flip through pages of half finished words
the things I wish I'd said but it hurt.
If I had learned how to talk
maybe I'd say how I feel
instead I'm wondering who is listening
and I'm dying alone out here.
Is this all a cry for help?
would it always be the end?
just promise that you'll remember
who I was my dearest friends.
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