1. |
Empty Apartment
01:38
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empty apartment. and the bedsheets that you've been neglecting to change. because the scent. keeps your loneliness at bay.
i sat in the back room. i just had my drink. i said that i loved you. but by then you were already leaving.
and i'm too tired. i'll be sleeping alone.
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2. |
Processed Food
03:41
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record player static. in the corner of your dad's attic. while i tell myself this will be the last song i write. drunk and stupid we walked to the liquor store. where i wanted to say i loved you. but i just couldn't find the right words.
i couldn't find the right words. i was never good at the right time. i couldn't find the right words.
and now i'm just some ghost. covered in concrete and plastic. in the walls you call your home. in the walls you call your home.
frozen processed foods. in the corner of your room. while your fathers downstairs watching television. riding bicycles down the street. do you think you maybe wanna meet. so you can say something to me. just need to hear your voice.
i just wanted to hear your voice. i just wanted a whisper.
i guess it doesn't help now to say i'm sorry.
i guess it doesn't help now to say i'm sorry.
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3. |
Winter
02:32
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when you're cold. i'll give you my coat. when you smoke. i feel so guilty.
when i'm stoned. i feel so alone. and so empty. because i really am.
and when i call. will we talk at all. or listen to each others breath, the promise of a summer death. and a pipe full of crystal meth. to drown you out.
when i'm home. by the telephone. waiting to see if it'll ring. this is a song that i might sing. to bring you back from memory. a delusion but so welcoming. into your arms may you bring, me some peace.
and when i call. will we talk at all. or listen to each others breath, the promise of a summer death. and a pipe full of crystal meth. to drown you out.
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4. |
Under the Porch
01:34
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if i had a brother
i'd tell him i love him before he ships out
if i had a loving mother
i'd tell her that i missed her on all my late nights
if my sister was around
i'd tell that i hoped she'd make it out of town all right
just like she always dreamed
and i'd write my father a letter
saying that i'm sorry for smoking these cigarettes
especially when you quit
and i'd write my best friend and tell him that i'm sorry
for all of the late night calls
and all the times when i should've just stayed home
but at least i've got somewhere to die
at least i've got a place to fucking die tonight
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5. |
Thread
04:00
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These old worn out fingertips don't know where to start
You took off your clothes in the back of your dads pickup truck
We watched the sun come up as fog rolled over those black hills
Summer of my life full of whiskey and cheap thrills
Whispered in my ear boy I love you so much
Weak in the knees, lips quivered with a simple touch
Hung up on the good times, who was I then?
Just a boy with a facetious smile, a ghostly cunning grin.
Lord I'm the man you want, nor the one you deserve
Because in the end I will leave you broken, alone and hurt
Comfort comes with the familiar taste of blood on my tongue
It was once a boyhood dream but what have I done
Howling all my failures
Screaming out demons in my soul
Bottles of whiskey line the countertops
In empty rows, like empty homes
We're hung up on the good times, who was I then?
Just a lover with a facetious smile, a ghost you shouldn't have let in
Time keeps moving forward with seemingly no end
But this loneliness follows me where I go, it hangs like a thread.
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6. |
Rope Swing
04:02
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memories of glow in the dark stars on your ceiling
did they keep away the nightmares like your mom said?
still littering the guest room as they slowly plummet
to that old and unkept decrepit carpet
a boyhood bed and old packs of cigarettes
are all that this fucking rooms even got left
since you’ve gone
so has your spirit
since you’ve gone
so has your spirit
hearing the voices of best friends by the creek
and the tug on the branch from that old rope-swing
the taste of the water as it hits your tongue
filled with gasoline and oil it’s been there all along
what was it that you told me on the phone
that you wished i was there because you felt so alone
insensitivity and apathy were all i ever knew
and still what i know if its what i wrote
Cause I’ve aged with the years my skin doesn’t hold up as well
i've been on my own living and dying in hell
watching old home movies of the times that i regret
just in the hope the images i can finally forget
because life is just moments of suffering
when the fuck will I find what makes me happy?
can’t move on and i can’t find a feeling
until then I’ll be in the car wishing I left
because life is just moments of suffering
when the fuck will i find what makes me happy?
instead of killing time at some dead end job
I hate that this what it’s come too
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7. |
No Face
02:48
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all your clothes were the color black. i cried myself to sleep thinking about that. did you ever smile when you were younger?
your lips they were painted red. the color of the blood that the dogs fed on with sharp teeth on the front lawn.
i still miss you, i still wish you were here with me.
motionless i took in the sight of you in color. a floral dress chosen by your loving mother. your friends are here your father and your brother. i stood back while they lowered you six feet under.
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8. |
Down You Fall
01:38
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(Down you fall in love)
She told you to wear that short cute black dress to impress him at the party tonight. but he didn't even care, just sat alone on the back roads smoking countless cigarettes and... by the time he showed up you were drunk as hell throwing up while some other guy held your hair. he saw you hold him tight, guess that you fucked up tonight but there is always love when you're 18.
it wasn't always love to me.
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9. |
I Just Want To Give Up
02:16
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Wake up with no excuse to get out of this bed. Get made up so no one can tell I'm really feeling sad. I hate it breathing in this tainted oxygen. As I fade out into the crowd of your best friends.
Your summer dress it slips gently off your shoulders. Your pale skin it softly glows. A quiet whisper of words that took you twenty years to form. You wouldn't care if I were to go.
But you are everything to me. You are the footsteps that I leave. The static on the TV screen. If only, if only.
You are every memory. In every lyric that I sing. Remember walking down that street? If only, only.
And you are everything to me. You are the air that I breath. You are the blood that I bleed. If only, if only.
You are everything to me. The cigarette smoke that I need. You are the blood that I bleed. If only, if only, if only...
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10. |
Electric Shock Treatment
02:42
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Breathing in the same air. That I let out so long ago. The rain will wash away the roots you tried to sew. Into these neighborhoods into these streets, did you really think that we'd forget about everything?
It's your inquisitve nature that has you questioning every decision that you've ever made. Driving on those backroad, did you think maybe somehow you'd find your way home?
Voices echo down the alleys. In a hallway I can see your past in photographs. A child outside a two story house. A memory that haunts you as it burns down.
Been washing pillowcases because they still contain locks of your long gold hair. And electric shock treatments to erase any fucking trace of the memories that are still there. I'm dying just to die inside and crying to just to feel alive. If there's any trace of the human race in my blood it's gone. Waking up in the bleeding sun, every morning I'm alone, I find you're notes scattered on the kitchen floor.
Voices echo down the alleys. In a hallway I can see your past in photographs. A child outside a two story house. A memory that haunts you as it burns down.
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11. |
Mass
03:02
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its my bones. the way they're breaking. hearing the crack as they split.
working eight hours to pay for nothing. time i'll never get back but i'm getting used to it.
every time i ask for advice. everyone tells me the same shit.
that everything i'm feeling is normal and it's just the way that life is.
i must have been born in the wrong time. cause i still feel the freedom lingering in my blood. and the anger as it pulses through my veins. cold and pointless a heart drenched in pain.
and i don't want to lose you. to the fateful nature of this race. obsessed with getting ahead and college. instead of living for today.
i don't want to watch you walk away.
i never said i loved you, my biggest regret i swear.
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12. |
Crashing
01:44
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your lips were red they stained the pipe. inhaled then your best friend died. all of the morals you cast aside. claiming its just to survive. claustrophobia sets in building forts out of bedsheets again. to avoid every temptation you ever felt.
claimed it was just a kiss on the lips. it meant nothing but now your his. threw away every relationship for a lifetime of loneliness. said it was all for your art i guess now it's a shot in the dark. pick up the pieces of my heart. on the bloody floor cause i tore it apart.
dreaming of the way that i'll die. speeding on some long car ride. hit a tree my body flies. out the window your in the passenger side. my blood and guts they fill the road. my bodes numb. my face grows cold. i can hear you crying from the car
i awake when you make your way to me. in a cold sweat and a loud scream.
i hope one day again we'll meet so i can be the one you need.
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13. |
Welcome to Hell
03:18
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all my dreams. they are gone. fleeting like memories. all those kids. that i knew. back in school. have forgotten me. blood it runs. like a river. from my eyelids. i can't see. the sun setting on the horizon. like an incandescent beam.
it's everything you ever prayed for hopeless like the plight of man. and every tear that ever hit the ground dries up soaking into the land. i'm still tired i've been planning on sleeping in for weeks. but my thoughts are restless in the dark i'm dying in the summer heat.
but its my heartbeat that i carry in my chest. its the sequence of events that brought me to this consequence. i'm still trying to remember things i worried about when i was young. because now getting older my heart can't take things that i've done.
this shame. stays with me.
every promise. every half hearted apology.
long forgotten. like a fading memory.
the sweat on your palms.
me whispering please don't leave.
i wrote you three letters. that never left my fucking desk. filled with words and details. of the time that we spent. pouring over every emotion i think i've ever felt. will i ever feel alive, will i feel something else?
than this fucking sadness, thats eating my insides.
i clench my fucking teeth. it's coming out my eyes.
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14. |
Swift Death
02:16
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i held my breath. in hopes for a swift death. calling from the east coast. haunting me like a ghost. cold spots in my bedroom where you used to lay.
am i crying blood now since my hearts been ripped out. need to feel your touch feeling distant and cold. clock is ticking slowly god i feel so lonely. i can hear you crying over words i said.
distance only burns. nowadays i feel hurt. ashamed over a life that never was. lets smoke a cigarette the feeling helps me forget. only for a moment i am nothing i am dust.
i held my breath. in hopes for a swift death. calling from the east coast. haunting me like a ghost. cold spots in my bedroom where you used to lay.
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15. |
Spreading
03:08
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tired of saying i'll start again
as my depression starts to spread
from the sheets on my bed
to the bags under my eyelids
i told you to forget me
but now your back and feeling lonely
i haven't left this bedroom
if only i had reasons too
i wish things could change
but the memory is locked into my brain
everything will always be the same
everything will always be the same
i still think of you
every fucking day
i just want to be the one to kiss your sad face
and i am haunted by these memories
ghosts of our former selves of you and me
the blood in my veins is running low
maybe i should be the one to let you go
maybe i should be the one to let you go
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16. |
Sunrise
03:26
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i can see your breath in the cold
pouring out in the morning sun
like my cigarettes smoke
place your hands on my weary bones
turn your cross upside down
my heart is just your sinking stone
so go
i could see your tears in the rain
summer sun came and went
but never could hide the shame
snow, the past it never seemed to thaw
haunted by the future
but i never heard your calls
so go
did you hear my voice as it echoed through the trees
following every footstep
till you felt me under your feet
buried deep down, the soil and the dirt
when you left i said didn't care
but oh god it hurt
i said go
so go
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17. |
Curses
03:02
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curse my body
curse my soul
it's the way it hurt me
the way that you spoke
curse my future
curse my past
the sins of the father
were never meant to last
so i still roam
empty hallways
watching every shadow as it dances
across your lovely face
can i still call?
if you can hear me
oh god can you feel me?
leaving messages in breath
cursed my body
cursed my soul
cursed all the ones that i loved
my blood runs red into he rivers it flows
so chant your hymns
and worship your ghosts
i'll join them soon enough
so it goes, so it goes
i still roam
empty hallways
watching every shadow as they dance
across your lovely face
can i still call?
if you can hear me
oh god can you feel me?
leaving messages in breath
curse my body
curse my soul
curse my body
curse my soul
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18. |
Past, Present, Future
01:48
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walking backwards from your house. talking mad shit out of my mouth. i'm more lost than i care to admit. so committed to the mindset of a nihilist.
but i miss you. and if the past is destined to repeat i'll kiss you. someplace that we have never been. when we're drunk. smoking stupid cigarettes. pbr breath. i'll forgive you forever i swear that's a promise.
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19. |
Bones
03:20
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tell me. how you hate me. because lately. things are happening too quick.
and maybe. i should just leave. sacrificed bones. serving a better purpose than i could.
just leave. me to die here. all alone dear. save my body for the wolves please. take my every possession. burn them swiftly. leave no trace i was ever here. cause i'll be your ghost dear.
and ill see you breathe at night so slowly and softly. watch you by the firelight so beautiful it's exhausting. i am trapped in these walls your curse keeps my soul here. remind me i hate myself more than i hate this fear. i can almost feel your love but its lost somewhere near the sun. hold me so tightly that i cant escape i can't run. but i am falling to the surface it's burning me alive. maybe you can carry whatever i leave behind.
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20. |
Hollow
02:10
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some of my friends they are saying i do
and i'm stuck here unable to move on from you
break into tears every time i'm alone
drink myself into a craze think of calling your phone
but i have no words i have nothing to say
i'm not worthy of you so i'm not worthy of anything
know i fucked up i fuck up all the time
lately it's been getting hard to say that i'm fine
sometimes i wonder if your doing the same thing
crying alone thinking oh how you hate me
tried telling myself that i'll get over this
but i can't stop reminiscing about every kiss
and every time i should have said you mean so much to me
but i'm cold and i'm hollow and i lack empathy
god knows i miss you more than anyone else
reminders all over this town and this house that you're gone
and i feel so lost
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21. |
Hell Is Other People
02:56
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whiskey breath and fucked up the lights never seemed to dim
tried finding happiness at the bottom of a glass but i kept on regretting everything
and a kiss meant nothing in the back alley of the local bar scene
hiding depression in a snaggletooth smile
i was never good at anything
well is this what you wanted, another shot at happiness
a slate wiped clean from the past
well is this what i wanted, another shot at happiness
how long can this last
cause when i get down i get lower than before
drinking alone till im passed out on the floor
spilling my guts to anyone that will hear me
im fucked up and im empty
do you worry about love
do you worry about the future
what will happen in a year
how youll be different than you are
do you think about back home
all the friends that you miss
what theyre doing with their lives
and how you want to forget them
cause i think about past loves
more than i probably should
and i think about the bad times
more than i think of the good
and i think about my life
every disappointment
i question my beliefs
almost every moment
cause i think about my dreams
how i wish i could live there
it'd be better than this place
be better than despair
do you think about what went wrong
all the things you'd change
do you wish for a new start
but what if its the same
well is this what you wanted, another shot at happiness
a slate wiped clean from the past
well is this what i wanted, another shot at happiness
how long can this last
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22. |
Arms Length
04:03
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Keep your picture in the background
think about it when I’m drifting off to sleep
try and keep you at an arm's length
cause I’m scared that you’ll end up hating me
Drinking with the only friends that I know
Got the shivers cold spots thanks to my ghosts
Regrets they come as quickly as they go
So lost without your guiding hand to hold
Driving on the highway when I should be heading home
North south or wherever
I don’t fucking know
Wonder where you are if I’ve become an afterthought
History in our bones
Until they break and rot
I want to live in your heart
I want to live in your sheets
To keep you warm every night
To help you find some sort of peace
You told me once you told me twice
I just feel so dead most nights
Just need to hear your voice
One last time
I want to live in your heart
I want to live in your dreams
These days I’d even settle
To be a good memory
You told me once you told me twice
That we can try again some time
When the distance isn’t hold us back from the start
Well the distance isn’t holding us back anymore
The distance isn’t holding us back anymore
The distance isn’t holding us back anymore
I love you, I loved you, I love you… still
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23. |
Christmas
03:04
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It's Christmas in that old house. That VHS tape has surely worn out. What do you see between the analog and grain? It's the faces of your friends your family and how they've changed. How I've changed.
(Breathe In sound clip)
Goodbye Mom, goodbye Dad. Goodbye everything I had. It's the new year and the countdown begins. Another night of wishing I had friends.
Because I watched the sun rise and set from a shitty second story apartment. Watching old home movies that Dad made, eyes focused on the smiles in each frame.
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