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Better Days

by Helltown

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1.
Turn the camera on the pictures clearer at least just for me looking in from the outside oh what a pleasant place to be I'm walking home with broken wings A tongue tied drunk my mother's son I pet the cats I go to sleep and dream of all I've never done. She's got dead butterflies framed hanging on four bedroom walls photographs from all the times we said we forgot but not at all I'm walking in and biting nails a hollow shell my father's son pretend that the grass is green and tell myself that I'm in love. Days they blend and never end sit on the couch till I can't stand I watch the film I read the book I see you there but I can't look I'm walking out I'm saying shit I can't take back but fine with it The car is packed the cats are home I feel so broken and alone. I'm buying ropes and tying knots I'm getting rid of all these thoughts I'm kicking chairs so I can hang I say my prayers for anything I wear your clothes and they all fit a sense of comfort comes with it I feel ashamed I'm made the fool it's who I am so kick the stool. Turn the camera on the pictures clearer at least for me looking from the outside "Oh what a pleasant place to be!" I'm walking home with broken wings A tongue tied drunk my mothers son I pet the cats I go to sleep Nightmares of the things I've done. Oh all the things I've done all the things I've done all the things I've done...
2.
2nd Street 03:40
you're a portrait of so many different faces each one you picked up along the way you listen to each word intently but had nothing when asked what you had to say the indian summer came with a vengeance you awoke when the sun kissed your lips a dead written in some journal came back to haunt your innocence middle class white trash walking down the street speaking in tongues to a God who said "I don't owe you a fucking thing" I saw Claire at the bookstore on 2nd street She said "I feel great but I know that I'm dying" and I'm dying too, all over you. Written in the stars was the future the card of death lay before being honest what you wanted couldn't have asked for any more I call mother on a monday see how things are back home saw Bobby down at the bar last week he said "I'm killing myself to be alone" middle class white trash walking down the street speaking in tongues to a God who said "I don't owe you a fucking thing" I saw Claire at the bookstore on 2nd street She said "I feel great but I know that I'm dying" and I'm dying too, all over you.
3.
Wildflowers 04:18
Love letters on my fingertips I wrote you a song but you didn’t even listen to it We get old and used to this shit Everyday I’m in awe of the beauty that lies within Hold my hand as I lay on the track The train is coming there’s no going back You said “Come with me and we’ll get out of this town I’ll buy you a house and this time I’ll stick around.” But did you hear the sound? Drowning me out... But did you hear the sound? The clock ticks My heart hits 100% and I’m in love Your warm lips The motions Lying in bed I can’t get enough Your sweet talk Your white lies The wildflowers that grow inside Your soft skin Had my aching For something I hoped I would find. But it’s never the right time I fall too deep It’s never the right time I’m used to suffering. Lovely whispers that meant nothing at all An empty dial tone whenever you call Smell of whiskey, cigarettes and the bar Crying myself to sleep cause you fell so far Night sweats, bad omens all around Hanging my crosses turning them upside down Tell me sweet things when you’re sneaking in late I’ll ignore the smeared lipstick, “oh ain’t life so great?” I give and it takes I give and it takes I give and it takes Ain’t life so great? The clock ticks My hearts hits 100% falling out of love Your warm lips Familiar motions Apologies I’ve had enough Your smooth talk Your bold lies The wildflowers that grow inside Your thick skin I’m crying I just wanted to be alright. But it’s never the right time I fall too deep It’s never the right time I’m used to suffering.
4.
Graveyard shift at the diner don't get much lonlier than this serving coffee to the widows washing down the liquid bliss Sunday service after work the preacher man he always prays I ask him for a second chance but he just promises better days. Graveyard shift at the Denny's serving breakfast to the cops they wash the blood off in the parking lot from some young kid that they just shot Sunday service in the morning the preacher man he always preys on the elderly and the weak until they've given all they saved. but i'm just cleaning up the vomit the piss and shit up off the floor collapsing on the bleach stained tile saying "oh god i wanted more" Jesus Christ let me go talking myself in circles I'll give my blood I'll give my life here's my mistakes I'll make them right but I'm such a coward I can't even try to leave this place so I'll apologize every time.
5.
Hartford 04:24
I'll be doing God's work getting stoned just north of Hartford maybe he'll see I'm doing just fine I don't believe anymore but I still pray every night. Tell my friends I'm out late but really I just lie awake hoping for some divine answer or truth I was once so fucking hopeful but now I'm just always blue. Don't know who I am anymore the reflection in the bathroom mirror has become a blur and every bone cries out to run away not be the one who needs to be saved. The hangman is on my shoulder he just grows as I get older knows my sins a little too well my dishonesty dies with me in my own hell. The guilt in between happiness and whatever's in me another lost feeling fleeting like my worn out memory probably from the drinking when we were together, when I drank you away out in some city where I spent all my time in the freezing northern rains. Sometimes I still think of how things could be if I have myself at home in some old apartment surrounded by old photos of past loves and good times the things you couldn't bring yourself to burn I wonder if I'm somewhere hanging on your wall or in a record you turn.
6.
It’s been sixteen months Since I sobered up But I still feel as lost as I did And it’s been while Since I even saw you smile If I only had a god to believe in But don’t you miss that drunk and my honesty The last time that I saw you was the last time you saw me I was puking in a trash bin inside my own daydream Heaven knows that it meant everything to me. And it’ll take some years Before I get back all the fears I had when I couldn’t drink them in peace Well you, you have your god And know that I have got no one Say a prayer for the sinner in me. Give your whole check To a collection In hopes to buy your way to a better place. But you can preach on the street And god can say anything to me But I can’t guarantee I’m listening.
7.
Coffee for the late night Crowds rolling in Put on your fake smile And that light baby blue apron. Practicing your hellos Goodbyes at the same time Watching everyone go Into the dark sky. Crying out your eyes In some company break room Telling yourself lies Like you’ll be out of here soon. You say “I’ll meet some nice boy He’ll take me far away from this place.” Get married have a couple kids Living out the life you always dreamed. But this single room apartment Gets smaller everyday No matter how many graveyard shifts I just can’t make enough to save me.
8.
Oxnard 03:18
the place that you grew up in the sound of the sea your dads house in the summer was heaven to me we slept in the spare room fell quickly asleep to the currents of the ocean and the chaos it brings. those flashing lights carnival rides everybody goes in but ill stay outside in the lapping of the waves ill wait for your call remembering the summer before I fade into the fall. its all of those used car lots and their broken dreams the pier that you jumped off of to feel like drowning in something other than the sadness that you wear like a coat that you hung up when we got home I was just scared and we were so fucked. I was so fucked. those flashing lights carnival rides everybody goes in but ill stay outside in the lapping of the waves I wait for your call remembering the summer before I fade into the fall.

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released August 25, 2020

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Helltown Los Angeles, California

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